Among the most unnerving verses in Scripture, is this:
“But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea.” Mark 9:42 NKJV
Jesus spoke those words to His disciples as they were shooing off some kids. “Of such is the kingdom of heaven,” He said, before issuing the ominous warning. After that, I’m guessing the guys thought twice about how they approached the “little ones.”
As a father of four, I’ve thought a lot about ways we potentially cause our children to stumble. Many destructive habits and psychological scars can be traced back to reckless, irresponsible parenting. Of course, even the best parenting is no guarantee against rebellion or apostacy, and our children, no matter how far they wander, are still responsible for their own behavior. Nevertheless, how we handle our little ones is, according to Christ, infinitely important.
Maybe that’s why the testimony of Nathan Phelps is so sobering. Nathan is the son of Fred Phelps, the founding pastor of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church whose “God Hates Fags” crusade has now given way to God Hates the World, a ministry wherein one can learn the reason God hates any given country (and, according to Phelps, He hates them all). Phelps is on the extreme edge of Christian Fundamentalism, unabashedly damning anyone who crosses his narrow ideology.
Almost the entire membership of Westboro consists of 9 of Nathan’s 12 siblings and members of their immediate families. As seems par for the course, stories of abuse and cult-like manipulation have slowly emerged. In a recent presentation before The American Atheists Convention, Nathan Phelps described being raised in this religiously abusive environment:
At the age of 7, I could recite all 66 books of the Bible in 19 seconds. My father insisted on this because he was frustrated at waiting as his children flipped back and forth trying to find the verses he was preaching from. Afterwards, if one of us took too long my father would stop in the middle of his preaching, cast a gimlet eye on the offender and demand that, “Somebody smack that kid!”
And there was smacking — beatings to be exact — all conducted in the guise of spiritual discipline and instruction.
All of this is going on while he is presenting his version of Calvinism to the small group of people who met every Sunday at Westboro Baptist Church. When I thought about it, I couldn’t reconcile the idea that our reality, our system, was better then those he railed against. How was it possible that our beliefs could lead to or condone the kind of behavior exhibited by our father? He held such an impossibly high standard that it was easy for him to find a fatal flaw in everyone else, while remaining curiously blind to his own.
At the age of 18, Nathan left his father’s church and began a spiritual pilgrimage before eventually turning agnostic. It’s a sad reminder of the danger of legalism and religious extremism, and the millstones that potentially drag souls into the netherworlds of spirituality. While the above article is lengthy, it’s worth reading. If anything, it provides insight into the ways religious intolerance can shape and/or destroy people.
While the story of Nathan Phelps is decidedly extreme, it’s also a cautionary reminder against misrepresenting God and mishandling Scripture, and the 
consequences of doing so in parenting. According to Jesus, causing believing children to stumble has severe eternal repercussions. Nathan Phelp’s testimony is evidence of this.
From my experience, both as a pastor and a parent, overreacting is one of the biggest pitfalls of parenting. We so want our kids to know God and be sheltered from evil, that we sometimes become manipulative, hard-line, overly stern, and dangerously legalistic. Knowing Scripture is essential for our children. But forcing them to memorize the Bible can, at some point, become manipulative. Affirming a healthy, biblical view of sexuality is an important part of parenting. But fostering hatred of homosexuals is itself unbiblical. Fred Phelps has obviously crossed the line… but that line may be finer than we think.
I’m not sure what’s sadder, the callous legalism of someone like Fred Phelps, or the souls that despise all mention of God as a result of him. Frankly, sometimes our kids’ rebellion is a reaction to our overreaction. Nathan Phelps is Exhibit A.
I agree with everything, Mike, except this line: But forcing them to memorize the Bible can, at some point, become manipulative. Is it manipulative to force kids to memorize the alphabet or the multiplication tables? Some things are memorized because they need to be memorized.
Now you said, “can, at some point …” so I assume you are not making a categorical statement. I personally feel we’d be in a lot better place as a church, as a state, as a nation, if more parents “forced” their kids at an early age to memorize Scripture. Not to hold it over their heads, certainly. But by way of establishing interaction with God through His Word.
Like many other things, there’s a right way and a wrong way, but I’d hate to think someone threw out the baby because someone suggested he was getting the water dirty.
Becky
Rebecca,
I don't quite agree with you on that subject.
You can't really ''force'' a child into doing anything,but you can use dissapline, encouragement, and rewards(and punishment if nessasary, but be sure that the reward is greater than the punishment so that the child won't be obeying out of fear.
Elaine
Yes it is manipulation to force kids to read anything, even the alphabet. Remember, Christ brings freedom! Don't force kids to do anything. Remember, God does not force us to love him, if he did then that would not be true love. Fundamentalism has essentially choked our faith!
these kinds of stories are so sad to me. i continuously struggle to know God as He is, not as i’ve experienced men to be, and it hurts my heart to hear these stories.
fwiw … when i was working thru all the abuse i grew up with, one of the forms of abuse was ‘spiritual abuse.’ God, without love, in any form, including being forced to memorize scripture, is counterproductive in our children.
my ex is fanatic about church attendance … so much so that he chooses church attendance and church-related activities over his children. they do not know how often this occurs because i shelter them from this truth. but what does that say about God to my kids? it tells them church is more important to daddy than they are to him. i’m not saying church is not important, i’m saying it’s weight in one’s life needs to be balanced.
we love because He first loved us … not b/c God first demanded we follow impossible rules. when we miss the love … and forgiveness … and grace … and mercy … we miss it all.
may God forgive them while He protects our children.
Thanks for the comments, ladies! Becky, I hedged on making the “Bible memorization” comment because I knew it could be potentially controversial and misunderstood. But I’ve had this conviction for quite a while now that many Christian parents employ Scripture memorization on their children much as wizards do a magic wand. Parents are like that — we look for easy formulas to change / control our kids. The Pharisees and Sadducees could run circles around today’s average believer. They meticulously studied the Scriptures. Nevertheless, Jesus pronounced them woefully ignorant of both Scripture and the power of God (Matt. 22:29). The transformative power of Scripture is not in its knowledge but in its practice. I think I’ll take some time to expound these thoughts, and maybe respond more fully to your comments, in my next post.
Mike, your thought on parenting are always challenging and encouraging. Thanks.
I think it’s sadder that the Phelps’ of the world can have a profound affect on a person’s view of God and Christianity in general.
I have trouble even comprehending why it is that this man has received any press or that I even know the name of his “church.” They came to Camp Lejeune before I left there and tried to protest. Didn’t work out so well for them. I just don’t understand these people. Not a bit. And I don’t understand why people give him the time of day.
my daughter’s friend and her mother were in my home the other day. daughter was being difficult, and mother was trying to correct her. after trying several tactics, mother said, “what’s (insert bible verse reference)?” the daughter said, “i don’t know.” mother said, “yes you do, you’ve memorized it.” daughter refused to quote the verse. mother gave up and said, “well, you know what it says.”
i didn’t say anything, and i won’t b/c this mother tends to become easily defensive with me, so i keep my mouth shut. but i wondered how effective that was.
the husband of this woman was talking to fiance and i a few months ago when they were going through a rough time in their marriage. i guess he found us ‘safe’ to confide in b/c i don’t think he’s the type to just share stuff. his wife is a very difficult woman, but he loves her. however he did say to us, “if we ever get divorced, and i’m not saying i want to or that we are, but if we ever get divorced, the first thing i’m going to do is sue (insert name of well-known bible study teacher).”
i get that. this woman NEVER misses a bible study … doesn’t matter if her kids are sick or her husband needs her, that weekly bible study is top priority. they study books and workbooks in this bible study she goes to; they do not study straight from the scriptures. i’m not entirely against that, it has it’s place, but i often think people allow books and materials to take the place of the bible. apparently, from her husband’s comments, this must be true for her. she studies these books and workbooks, and then she comes home and tries to make him mold to what someone else has written. it’s a big “duh” that he doesn’t like it … at all.
learning the scriptures, memorizing them, studying the bible … all have their place. but when they take the place of relationship, we’re missing the point.
I am writing concerning the pics on your webpage. If Jesus came to save and not condemn then I guess I am wrong right now for mentioning this myself. God is supposed to be love not hate. Now if you want to pull up a few scriptures on hate in the bible. That is easy. But how many more are in love? We do not become perfect then come to Christ. We come to Christ and then he makes us righteous. In Fathers Heart we learned that hating gay people is not right. I am not gay but I know that that is a spiritual rebellion. I will elaborate. God made you and he made me. He knows every step we take in or out of obedience. He still loves us. He might not like what we are doing. But it is an agape love. He loves us where we are at. If you hate someone for what they are or what they are then you are telling God that you don’t like his creation and that he did a bad job. We all have our own skeletons in our closet. I don’t know you what type life you live or what type of person you are. But I love you, because God made you. Perfect or not you are a child of a King. That makes you royalty. Please pray about it and ask God to show you if you have any spiritual rebellion. He shows me stuff every day. God Bless!
Someone didn’t read the above article. Mike isn’t supporting the Phelps family beliefs at all, he’s directly opposed to them.